Feeling Inadequate

You know that feeling that feeling of being a complete and utter failure? That feeling that nothing you do is ever good enough? No matter how hard you might try, nothing you do will ever work out. Nothing you say will ever be right. Nothing you hear will help you because when you try to fix anything, it will still be wrong. You will never be good enough.

A friend once told me, "Oh, that just "a sad". You don't understand real depression. You'll be fine."

I found this quote yesterday:

"He awoke each morning with the desire to do right, to be a good and meaningful person, to be, as simple as it sounded and as impossible as it actually was, happy. And during the course of each day his heart would descend from his chest into his stomach. By early afternoon he was overcome by the feeling that nothing was right, or nothing was right for him, and by the desire to be alone. By evening he was fulfilled: alone in the magnitude of his grief, alone in his aimless guilt, alone even in his loneliness. I am not sad, he would repeat to himself over and over, I am not sad. Because his life had unlimited potential for happiness, insofar as it was an empty white room. He would fall asleep with his heart at the foot of his bed, like some domesticated animal that was no part of him at all. And each morning he would wake with it again in the cupboard of his rib cage, having become a little heavier, a little weaker, but still pumping. And by the mid-afternoon he was again overcome with the desire to be somewhere else, someone else, someone else somewhere else. I am not sad." -- Jonathan Safran Foer, Everything is Illuminated

I am not sad.

Maybe it is just "a sad". Afterall, I got out of bed, made it to work, talked with some customers and some coworkers, had some meetings, worked on some websites. I'm going through the day. I'm not hungry but it's lunch time. The thought of eating has no appeal. The thought of not eating also has no appeal. I'm not curled in a ball on the floor unable to contemplate moving.

I am not sad.

Sometimes I hear myself screaming in my own head. I did yesterday. But not today. That voice is quiet today. I don't know why. I don't know what's different. Maybe she's curled in a ball on the floor, unable to contemplate moving.

I am not sad.

Writing doesn't seem to help. Because nothing I do will ever be good enough.

I am not sad.

Are you smarter than a Kindergartener?

Nope. I'm not smarter than my Kindergartener.

I know this and I suspect that G does as well. I can't remember when the exact moment was that I knew my children were smarter than me, but I know that both G and F are smarter than their mother.

I may know more things than they do simply by living and experiencing more in my life than they have up until this point. But they are more intelligent than I am. They see things with fresh eyes and no bias. The are not jaded. They are open and curious about everything.

And I am in awe of them.

Another Proud Mommy Moment

Yesterday, I received an email from G's teacher describing a moment during the day when G and a friend presented to the class on birds for 15 minutes, and included the use of the white board and charts. She even texted a video snippet of the presentation so I could see just how well G was doing with his impromptu presentation. The kids in the class were asking questions, and G was pacing in front of the class just like more instructors do. And I swelled up with pride. I couldn't help it.

I can't begin to describe just how terrified I was of speaking in front of the class on any subject throughout my years in school. I still don't like public speaking although I've done it many times throughout my life. My hands and voice start shaking, I start sweating and get by turns hot and cold. I know its adrenaline and I don't like the feeling. But there was my little man, lecturing to his Kindergarten class for 15 minutes and using visual aids! With zero preparation. Nada. Zilch.

Maybe one day he'll be a teacher. Or a lawyer, an astronaut, or a geologist. Or a farmer and part-time ornithologist (yes, he told me these are his current choices of profession for when he grows up).